It’s rare a day goes by that I’m not lectured – either by someone else or through an internal monologue that has conflicting priorities than my own – about how to maintain balance. You need more balance. You’re out of balance. Life is about balance. Let’s work on getting you a bit more…balanced.

Now, I’m not one to claim perfection or that there’s one way to live and I’ve figured it all out so my way is the best way. But I hate balance. Balance to me is the antithesis of happiness because it feels like an over simplified math equation for happiness. I don’t want to – nay, I don’t think I could – live my life in an outlook calendar box of ‘working hours’. True, there are certainly days where the thought of being able to have a job where shutting down at 5 and not giving it another thought until 9 the next morning is appealing. But those thoughts are fleeting and give way rather quickly to the realization that this wouldn’t be me. And I’d end up going crazy – as well as driving those around me crazy.

I like the blending. I like being flexible about how my day is structured. That I have a wee little mobile device in my purse that lets me keep an eye on projects and emails while still taking some time to step out or relax. Yes, that smartphone that others might consider a ball and chain to their jobs…well, I think it’s a bit liberating to not be (a) thinking about what’s piling up in my inbox and (b) have to go back to my desk and see forty emails all piled up for review. If I can quickly give a thumbs up, thumbs down, go here, it’s over there, here’s what you need, etc etc kind of response in the moment, that helps me manage my day better. It’s my own kind of fluid putty like balance that changes every minute and every day. But to me, that’s living.

Now if I could just that wee little self-reflective voice in my head to agree with me…

I thought I’d go into a little more detail about my work habits, as a follow up to the post about late nights the other day.

I work long hours, but I can’t say that the entire time spent is 100% efficient. Sure – there are times when I find myself up at 2am plugging away at something. But maybe that’s because I hit a wall at 1pm and had to take a break from accomplishing all on my to-do list. Or perhaps there was a last minute meeting that came up. Crisis that needs to be averted? Mass communication that can’t wait? Efficiency land mines get in the way all the time, and it’s part of my job (and a part I happen to love, much as it can be frustrating in certain moments) that I actually love.

I somehow can’t imagine pushing paper around all day, then coming home to the same routine every night, only to be followed by a bedtime that comes around like clockwork. It’s such a rush to be on a deadline, even when that deadline is totally self imposed. If I learned anything from University, it’s that my tendency to procrastinate when I’m not challenged can be put to good use if the conditions are just hectic/exciting enough. And they are. So, if you catch me hanging around my computer at 2am,  it’s actually just part of my “stream of typing with brief bursts offline” work routine. Somehow it helps to keep me going far better than the monotony of 9-5 ever would.

There is only one product manager in this partnership. And it’s not me. I’m lucky enough to live with a great guy who happens to be able to take the clutter and muck spilling out of my mind and turn it into an intelligible document that will prove useful in order to make this a success. There is order where there was once a puddle of words and unprioritized wants – I feel so much better now.