2:05pm Denver, CO
March 9th, 2006 RachelI’m sitting here in the
Denver
airport. It’s been an early morning, a
bumpy flight, and gonna be a long layover. Right at the beginning of my
journey, I had a random encounter with someone who I haven’t seen in quite a
while. Well, actually in terms of time literally, I suppose it’s not been that
long…maybe a little less than a year. But it feels ages away. That was a
different time, I had different goals and the vast majority of the hours I
spent during the day were…well, different
from what I putter about with now.
Many times over the years I’ve been asked how I feel about
moving around so much. People are always a little bit confused when I say
“Really, it wasn’t that tough…� and I’m pretty sure it would only baffle them
more if I continued the sentence out loud the way it was running in my head –
“…actually, I kind of enjoyed it.�
When you move across a continent, you get a clean slate, a
fresh start (obviously this is only the case for law abiding relatively
inconsequential people like myself). Here’s what I’m getting at – the physical
moves, the ones where you didn’t really have a choice and you’re not really
going to see 99% of the people you knew ever again…those are the easy ones. In
comparison, the transitions that naturally (or not so naturally) take place
during life, without the geographical relocation, can be a bit trickier, and a
lot more nerve-racking. They ‘new you when’ and they may not necessarily
understand why you’re where you are now.
(Big disclaimer – this
is all based on the general level of insecurities and anxieties that I think
face most people around my age. There’s bound to be people who get infinitely
more upset about what I’m talking about, as well as plenty of others who
couldn’t care less. I’m just speaking from my experience, with the little bit
of perspective I’ve been able to gain…as well as examples from other people’s lives that are
floating around in my head right now.)
The relationship that ended badly, the job you quit in
possibly a not so smooth manner, or merely a diversion from the path that
most/some/all people expected you to head down. There could be one person, an
entire building, or social network that you now feel ousted or alienated
from…or maybe just uncomfortable around. That might be all fine and okay, but
there’s still always that chance that one of these people will re-appear. And
that’s when the cold sweat starts.
The direction that I and everyone else thought I was headed
down in high school looks nothing like where I ended up. That’s not a statement
about whether one was right or wrong, better or just plain bad. It’s merely to
say that the expectations I had for myself and the expectations that others had
for me…changed. Actually, that’s not true – the expectations stayed the same,
it was my desire to carry them out which changed. And so I didn’t.
As a result, I stressed out when I’d run into teachers. I’d
hope and wish that no one would ask the “You’re doing theatre at York now,
right? Silly question…of course…� Even though I was happy with the place I had
chosen to be and the path I was on, I still felt like I had somehow failed.
It’s weird, it’s insecure, but it’s true. I had roots now, and those roots made
me a wee bit uneasy.
Same thing happened when I changed paths again a few years
later. Bills, time, and my desire to maintain a high GPA in University caught
up with me…juggling the riding with the rest of my life wasn’t working out. In
my head there were a million reasons to set riding aside for a while and only
one purely emotive reason why I should continue. So, I stopped juggling.
Hardest decision I’ve ever had to made (mostly because I was the one who had to
make it) and yet one that I have never regretted.
Running into those folks at Pearson should have represented
one of those anxiety ridden moments – all the factors were at play (guilt for
“leaving�, paranoia that they don’t understand my reasons, anxieties over
looking fat or not putting makeup on, and a complete lack of desire to play the
‘do ya miss it?’ game). But I didn’t get anxious…I didn’t try to duck and hide
(don’t even try to tell me you haven’t had one of those moments too…). We
chatted for a moment, a typical ‘no more riding for you, huh?’ moment was
exchanged, and I went about my morning.
In the same way I got over myself enough to realize that my
high school drama teachers weren’t disappointed in me for not pursuing an
acting career, I’ve finally (hopefully) realized that there’s very little I can
do about to try and justify anything to anyone. I was there, and when I was
happy there, I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. Now I’m here, 180
degrees away from there, and there’s not a thing I’d change. If someone doesn’t
understand that, or wants to look down on that, then it’s usually more a reflection
on that other person than about me.
But as my ‘random encounter’ today showed, the worst case
scenario that plays out in one’s mind is just that…worst case. Taking a chance,
being brave enough to be friendly instead of shy enough to hide, it’s worth it.
Doesn’t matter if the other party reciprocates (though this morning, they did)
– being confident and mature about such a situation is what feels the best at
the end of the day.
I don’t need that ‘clean slate’ that used to be so
reassuring every 3-4 years – I know where I’m at and I couldn’t be happier. But
it’s still up to me to not let the chance that a raised eyebrow or snide remark
will meet me should I muster up the courage to be friendly, and offer up a
piece of myself.
Just a thought.
